I apologize for my site. It seems that no matter what I do, I cannot put spaces in between the paragraphs. Sorry. Thank you.

REALITY.

The book "The Velveteen Rabbit" talks about becoming REAL. This is one of my favorite books simply because the plot or story is so simple, yet beneath the simplicity arises the deepness of the book. I won't tell the whole story, but there's this part wherein I was touched by the whole thing and so I memorized it. It goes something like, (Guys who are close to me, you should know I say this almost all of the time. :) So the Rabbit asks the Horse, "How do you become REAL?". Then the Horse replies, "It doesn't happen to you bit by bit. It takes time. When a person loves you, not just as a toy to play with but really loves you, then you become REAL." Then the Rabbit, scared, asks again, "Does it hurt?". The Horse then replied, "Sometimes, but when you're REAL you don't mind being hurt."

See? It talked about the Rabbit's longing for a sense of purpose. He wanted to become REAL, but he was afraid of the consequences. We are the rabbits. We are afraid to take that leap of faith and give ourselves fully to someone, for fear of rejection,for fear of not being wanted, for fear of hurting once again, the "wounds of the past" or whatever. But see, the rabbit understood. He didn't mind falling apart bit by bit, just as long as he was accepted and loved, he would rather look ugly than lonely. Let's learn from the rabbit and fall apart.

A Look Back

FUNNY HOW THINGS CAN CHANGE IN A MATTER OF YEARS.. I wrote this a year or two ago..

{I wrote this during religion time.} - zzz

Yeah. It's religion time. Nagpapaguilty nanaman friend ko. Masakit, pero totoo. Yup, sayang. Siguro that's the only regret I've ever had in life so far. That fact that I left the best girl for something so not worth it. I guess what I did was reach for the moon and land in hell. I can't do anything about it now, and that's what makes it all the more harder to bear. Putangina. Dino, tama silang lahat.

ANG BOBO MO. She was the best thing and the CLOSEST thing you ever had to a REAL relationship and you let her go. YOU OF ALL PEOPLE should know things worth waiting for are SO WORTH IT. God, and what the fuck did you leave her for? Absolutely nothing. Of course I can argue that I didn't know I was giving her up for nothing, coz I was blinded by whoever that girl was. All I know is, she's gone and I definitely regret meeting her. I wasn't content with the girl I had, I had to be dumb enough to go on wishing for an infatuation to bloom into a serious relationship. GOD. One for the record books Dino.

Even though we're pretty ok na, it still hurts. And I think she's still hurting too, we're just pretending not to notice. It's pretty obvious to me why ithurts. We could've been together but didn't coz I didn't realize that we could've made it this far. I believe we could've. COULD'VE. That's the past. There's nothing left to do but stare at it and regret. That's what I'm doing. It's damn unhealthy, I know, but it's really what I want to do. I can't force her to fall for me again coz she's never goingto look at me in that way anymore. Friends, there. Period. That's the boundary. It's even a miracle that we're still friends right now, I mean, considering what I did to her.
It's weird. WHY NOW? I'm regretting what I did months ago right now. At this very second.At the words of "Sayang siya" by a certain someone. I guess I'll just have to face the music, move on. I don't think there's anything else to do. The best thing to do is just learn from the experience, know it made you into a better person (which I don't feel it did,but I guess in time it will work out), and just forget about it. That's what she's doing, and it's pretty much working for her but I know it's still an open wound, and it can never be closed. If I'm wrong, I'm happy for her. I'm happy that she's moved on and she's forgotten all about it. well, as for me? I still think about it everyday, and every picture I have with her, there's always something in the back of my mind, "You could have been next to her, holding her hand, sending her love quotes, calling her everyday.." but NO. Two letters which mean that it signals the end. The finale of something that could have been, but never will.

Imagine, Religion time pa to, and we're discussing morality attitudes while I'm singing Cool With You to myself. And the words come on back after I sing. "Sayang siya, bobo mo, Sayang siya, bobo mo.. Sayang siya, bobo mo.." and it keeps ongoing and going and going.. It's annoying but true. Maybe I need this, so that I can just accept it and go for another one. Whatever happens, I know that we could've havelasted. And the wounds of that "could've relationship" will never close. No year, no experience will take that away. NEVER.

Nighttime Musings..

I've been reading this book called The Pilgrimage and it's taught me about this kind of love which overcomes everything and is universal and envelopes the person inside that they want to share it too. That's the kind of love I'm feeling right now. Actually, I have this crazy idea of going on a Pilgrimage when I get older, and in the process try to "find myself". Then I realized life is a pilgrimage in itself, it helps you find yourself and makes you learn things. The thing is, life can be a trash can or a pilgrimage. You can just sit by and do nothing and look at life as nothing more than a colorless, boring thing covered by four walls or you can try to learn more about yourself by searching deep down in your soul and reach out to it. In this way, you'll be able to grasp life in its real perspective. I think life is all about finding who you really are, I don't think school matters, I don't believe that you can't be successful if you aren't well educated. I believe all you need is faith and the soul, and everything will work itself out in the end.

After that reflection part, I guess I still I wanna write some more. I've realized that I'm super (UBER) falling for her na. Our relationship hasn't changed, I mean, we've grown pretty close na, but she just has something I can't explain which makes you fall in love with her. Maybe one day I'll look back on this day and find the right words to express what I'm feeling. Then again, don't count on it coz I don't think I'll ever find the right words to express what it is I love about her. It's everything, maybe, or it could be something so rare that I myself can't see. All I know is, I want to be with her, I want to be the one to miss her, I want to be the one who holds her hand when she's down, I want to be the one to hug her and whisper sweet-nothings to her ear for no apparent reason, Then at this very moment, my mind tells me: "HUY.. You're in love. ACCEPT IT." If this is love, If this is real, Then let it envelop me. Pain? Kaya.. Suffering? It's not like I haven't experienced that before.. To be with her I'll hurt a million times.. :)

Red Light

Last September 17, , I was suck into a completely different world right here in the Philippines. As I traversed the dark, creepy, waste infested sidewalks of Malate, I came to the conclusion that I am VERY VERY VERY sheltered. Let me recount our trip.

First of all, we (there were 8 of us) traveled to the Republic of Malate Theatre from Katipunan. With each LRT drop off point it became more and more evident that the scenery was changing from a bustling and progressing Katipunan to a gloomy, depressing Malate. As we got down the old, dilapidated station in Gil Puyat, I got my first taste of side walk exploring.

We warily walked the streets until we came across Philippine General Hospital. As we turned to the guard for directions, I glanced the my left and saw dozens of folded balikbayan boxes where parents and their families were staying for the night. I was so surprised I kept walking forward until the sight became a little dot.

After this we kept walking (yes this was a long walk), until my friend Marco told me that we were nearing "the place". I nodded as we passed the street that said "Ermita". We passed girl after girl after girl, and it was at that moment that I felt sad I didn't know about the situation we are in (not like I could help it though).

We finally reached the theatre after around 15-30 minutes of walking. As I entered, I was at a loss for words. It was definitely an impromptu exposure trip.

I don't think I'll be willing to do that again.

Debut-logy and the Lich King

Don't call me a loser but I just have to say, that Saturday was probably the only time I got to go to multiple parties in a single night. Of course, when you're with a graduate of BS Debut-logy with a major in Cotillion dancing, you can never go wrong. I had fun hopping from each party, and seeing people I saw in the last place I went to. It was like deja vu. Wow. Haha. I think everyone needs nights like that, to keep the color of life vibrant and never dull.

On to other news, in my 3rd game of DOTA, I just realized that the Lich King kicks ass. Sorry na kung ngayon ko lang nalaman. I was amazed, I was able to kill multiple heroes. Wow. What a rush. Okay ang labo ng entry na `to. I'm starting to write like someone I know. Anyway.

Basketball is my haven for relaxation. There's just something about the swish of the net and the oohs and aahs of the crowd that pumps you up. There's something about the shot clock running down that makes you want that ball in your hands. I can't explain the feeling. It's a patchwork of emotions, ranging from happiness to sadness to fear to exhaustion, but it's such a ride that I don't want to end. I never want to stop playing basketball, and I'd be heartbroken if something happens to me that ruins my "career". Hopefully I'll be taking my wheelchair to the court someday.

BRAIN DRAIN..

A lot of the close friends of people I know are leaving, and I can't help but feel sad for them. Off these people go, to a far off place, with a different culture, a different life, a different everything with absolutely nothing to start with. It would be like being born again, only that you're around 15-20 years older and much more wiser. It's so hard to be someone like that. I can't imagine myself just picking up and leaving the Philippines one day. It would feel like leaving a part of me as well. This is my home, and I wouldn't have it any other way. Americans love to visit because of our hospitality and warmth, it's just a pity that all other foreigners see is in our country is corruption, greed, and apathy, which is not even what a common Filipino is. Life is just so hard right now that people are forced to do things they don't even want to do. I understand though, that other people want to leave. The light is getting dimmer and dimmer, and as each day passes, our hope fizzles little by little. When will this stop?

BRAIN DRAIN SUCKS. LITERALLY.

Stupidity 101

I got my advisory marks today and I got disappointed. It was like someone slapped me on the face. I was so ashamed of my grades. Don't get me wrong for people who know what I got, but I don't really like my scores. I feel like I can do so much more than that. I am not in the Ateneo to underachieve. I am here to study and burn my eyelids to maximize my ability. I am here to get the best grades possible to secure my future. I am here because I can be here and I should be here. It is my privilege to be in this school, no matter what people say. And that's what's making this harder to bear. Somehow I feel like I'm letting my parents down.

My parents haven't really pressured me. They haven't been bugging me about my grades, something they've constantly done in the past years of my school life. They've just occassionally questioned me about making the most out of college and getting the best grades I can possibly get. They don't expect me to be in the Dean's List. But, I want to. I want them to look at me and feel proud that they're my parents. I want to be something different, not just a normal Ateneo student. I want to rise beyond the mediocrity of the Ateneo population and reach whatever there is to reach. I want to be called a Dean's Lister, not just a student in the Ateneo with the course AB Psychology. I want my mom to stop lecturing me about doing this and doing that. I want my mom to finally accept me for who I am and not just look at my shortcomings.

I just hope I can find it within me to be someone worth it.

The Meaming of Love (as explained by a site I went to)

Are your palms sweaty, is your heart racing and isyour voice caught within your chest?? It isn't love, it's LIKE.

You can't keep your eyes or hands off of them, am I right? It isn't love, it's LUST.

Are you proud, and eager to show them off?? It isn't love, it's LUCK.

Do you want them because you know they're there?? It isn't love, it's LONELINESS.

Are you there because it's what everyone wants?? It isn't love, it's LOYALTY.

Are you there because they kissed you, or held yourhand?? It isn't love, it's LOW SELF-ESTEEM.

Do you stay for their confessions of love, because you don't want to hurt them?? It isn't love, it's PITY.

Do you belong to them because their sight makes your heart skip a beat?? It isn't love, it's INFATUATION.

Do you pardon their faults because you care about them?? It isn't love, it's FRIENDSHIP.

Do you tell them every day they are the only one you think of?? It isn't love, it's a LIE.

Are you willing to give all of your favorite things for their sake?? It isn't love, it's CHARITY.

Does your heart ache and break when they're sad?? Then it's LOVE.

Do you cry for their pain, even when they're strong?? Then it's LOVE.

Do their eyes see your true heart, and touch your souls o deeply it hurts?? Then it's LOVE.

Do you stay because a blinding, incomprehensible mix of pain and relation pulls you close and holds you there?? Then it's LOVE.

Do you accept their faults because they're a part of who they are?? Then it's LOVE.

Are you attracted to others, but stay with them faithfully without regret??Then it's LOVE.

Would you give them your heart, your life, your death??Then it's LOVE.

Now, if love is painful, and tortures us so, why do we love? Why is it all we search for in life? This pain,this agony? Why is it all we long for?This torture, this powerful death of self? Why?The answer is so simple cause it's... LOVE. It is such an addictive thing that even people who are not having it wish to experience it and share it with others aswell...

[You've heard this a million times before.. Don't be scared to love. Jump off the edge and fly.]

I think I'm a hypocrite. I mean, I tell people to trust God that whatever happened, it happened coz God wanted it to be but when it comes to myself, I can't bring myself to do that. Why are we like this? We become such psychologists and great givers of advice to other people. We tell them what to do, we calm them down, and make sure that their sadness will go away. We seem to be sure of what we're saying, we seem to know every bit of detail and we seem to have the right experience. But, why do we end up making the same mistake over and over? It all starts with this: We do not know ourselves. We do not know what makes us tick, we do not know what we want in life, we do not know what it means to truly care for someone. All we follow are definitions society has created, we follow the "status quo". You may think that I don't have the right to say this, but it's true. Why do we love? Society tells us, to be loved back. But I don't think that's true. We love because we want to, regardless if the person feels the same way. If you think that's going to end up going nowhere, then maybe it will. But at least I've followed my heart, and not society's brain. We do not choose who we fall in love with. PERIOD.

Also, I believe that we can make a lot of mistakes as long as we make up for them. I don't think God will judge you if you kill someone but you give up your life for someone. As the Jesuit monicker goes, "We are sinners but we are called". God put us here to make mistakes. He put us here to learn every single lesson needed to realize one thing: We will ALWAYS come back to HIM. No matter what happens, He is our end.

From The Alchemist, the world's greatest lie: "That at some time in our lives, we lose control of what happening to us and our lives become controlled by fate."

ACCORDING TO ADIDAS

Impossible is just a big word thrown around by small men who find it easier to live in the world they've been given than to explore the power they have to change it. Impossible is not a fact. It's an opinion. Impossible is not a declaration. It's a dare. Impossible is potential. Impossible is temporary. Impossible is nothing.

Impossible is nothing. Impossible will only become real if you choose to believe it is. It's knowing that you can do more than what is expected of you. It's being crazy enough to try new things.

It's being INSANE.

BLAH..

I was almost finished with this entry when suddenly Internet Explorer makes a mockery of my work and shuts down. Badtrip. Oh well. Maybe trying to make sense of things again will make what I want to say better.

I feel as if I do not have the passion to write about anything anymore. These 8 days of isolation from my blog have relaxed me and have made me realize that this simple act of posting something has become more of a requirement rather than a love for doing so. It's not really because I don't have the time. In fact, I have more time on my hands since I have more breaks than classes every single day. It's just really hard to think of things to write about when it doesn't feel right. This has become a never ending search for words and phrases and punctuation marks to try to get something across to readers and to myself. I'm tired of searching. I do not even feel my writing touching any part of my body. I feel like a loser.

In other news, I got my very first F in Literature 13. It was a very rude awakening to College life. Strangely enough, I did not dwell on it much. I just looked at my paper, and shoved it inside my black hole of a bag and started concentrating. I believe my High School Math prepared me for failings like this. I went through so much in Math, and my pass/fail ratio is on a do-not-ask-me basis. But, now I can take it. I can take failing as a journey to success. I can fail and know that it is just a process to excellence. I guess Math did teach me something eternal after all.

Mrs. Ong is THE Lord of Math, not you Mr. Analogy/Editor of the book.

My New Year promise.

This has been a long time, and I've forgotten this promise. Maybe now I can stick to it.:)

Yahoo it's New Year. God, I don't know why, But I feel so down. It's like, I just got struck by this feeling. Parang *bang* mood swing. I guess it's the fact that maybe I just didn't come up to expectations this year and I was really selfish. And maybe admitting everything right now right before the New Year will kind of take this feeling away. At least I hope so. I didn't think of others a lot this year. I was damn selfish and insensitive and I covered it up with false promises and stupid lies. I'm sorry to everyone I hurt, and I promise this year I'll be better. I'll change. And you might think that this is all blah, but I will. I'm sorry that people say I've changed, maybe I have, and I'm sorry. I'm sorry for being so damn annoying it makes people sick. I'm sorry for being super pikon.. God, I'm sorry for all the things I said.. I promise I'll keep the faith.. This year will be Renaissance year.. But I'm not sorry for this:

LOVING WITH ALL MY HEART.

Quotable Quote by moi.:)

We are not measured by the amount of love we have received. Rather, we are measured by the amount of love we have given. We give, not to count the cost, but to bask in the feeling when one gives. But when we give love, it is easy, because we can control the amount of love we give. But when we receive love, it is much harder. We are on the other end. We do not have control of the love. We are given a fork: Should we accept it with open arms or hide in the shadows? That's our choice.

The Solitaire Mystery

I was reading this book and it had this quote: "Life is a lottery where only the winning tickets are visible." With this, we can see that God does not make unfit situations. It's all up to our perceptions on how to make of them. For instance, we can look at getting our heart broken as a reason to give up loving ever again. But getting the heart broken means even opening the heart wider because with the holes, it is even more exposed to love. The heart gets weaker but the feelings intesify through time. And as the heart gets morw and more fragile, it also increases in its value. Experience has taught the heart what to do and what to say in certain situations, and it will try not to make the same mistakes as before. Getting the heart broken is a step towards finding true love. That's my piece. It's open to criticism, just tell me what you feel. :) Take Care. :)

Death.

I was at a wake hours ago and I just realized how precious life is. Death can just come out and take us whenever it wants. We might not even have a chance to say to our loved ones what we really feel inside because we thought that there is still time to do everything. Death is a reality a lot of us must face. Even though we’re still young and all, we must always begin with the end in mind.

I have this little story to tell. There was once this king who hadn’t gone to the Sacrament of Reconciliation for about 20 years. Finally, he went and for his penance, the priest asked him to read the bible everyday and do the stations of the cross everyday. The king tried the penance out and realized he could not do it. So he went back to the priest and he asked for another way he could be absolved of his sins. The priest then gave him a ring and asked the king to read it each time he got up from bed. The ring bore the phrase, “Remember your death”. From then on, the king read the bible everyday and did the stations everyday and he went on to become a very good king.

A clear knowledge of our death will give us a clear knowledge of our present. We will know what to do and we will not beat around the bush because we will not waste time anymore. Death gives us a clearer picture of our life because like it or not, we will one day die. I’ve heard a lot of people say that they’ll become better people when judgment day comes. They brag about telling the people they care about how much they really mean to him/her. They say that they won’t hide anything anymore because it is the last day of his/her life on earth. But the thing is, why wait? Why do something on our last day rather than do it everyday for the rest of our lives while we can? God did not cram making us humans. God honed us and molded us into his own liking. He made us to mean something to somebody and vice versa. The least we could do is tell the people how much we love them and care for them. You never know when that heart attack or that car accident or that mosquito bite will happen. And no matter how hard you try to prevent yourself from believing otherwise, it will happen and there’s no stopping that.

We must also realize that for every death, there is new life coming into the world. I don’t want a sad funeral. I want everybody to be laughing at the antics I always did or the things I said or the way I made people feel special or the times I was with them during the sad or happy moments of their lives. Fine, shed a few tears but I hope those tears will get drowned out by the cheerful laughter when they remember what I brought to the world. We were doing that during that wake. We were cracking jokes and talking about a lot of stuff and I wasn’t really minding anything when his mom came out crying. I wanted to join her in crying but the tears just didn’t come out. Then I saw the guy, trying to be strong for his mom and all, but I knew inside, it was killing him too. I felt the ache in his heart as he watched someone very very very close to his heart carried away into the vehicle. And at that moment, I felt helpless. EXACTLY helpless. I knew I couldn’t do or say anything to make anyone feel better and I knew that he needed silence more than words so there I molded my face into a solemn shape. But all I could think about was, “Damn, when that happens to me, I’ll be exactly like him.” I’ll try to be strong but I’ll be really hurting coz I won’t be able to express my feelings the way my mom/dad will.

Death hit me right smack in the middle of my forehead and told me to wake up. I have. To my family (including cousins), ALL MY FRIENDS (You know who you are), and all the people I will meet in the future, here’s a toast to life as we know it. It will be ending, so I’ll make a promise to myself and I hope you’ll help me remember my promise. I promise to tell people face to face what I really feel. And yes, No regrets pa rin yung battlecry.

Accidentally in Love. :)

In the Ateneo High School, there are a lot of things one can learn. From theories to formulas, from the classic Shakesperean tragedies to learning to write an essay, from learning who killed who during the Franco-Prussian war, from learning to lead and learning to really care, from broken friendships to unending bonds formed, from finding love in the seemingly right places only to find out it is not meant to be, there will always be two things which stand out: The lesson of who God really is and why we are here. My Days With The Lord experience and my appointment as the Socio-Spiritual Cluster Head helped me realize that.

I entered my 3rd year of High School not really knowing what to expect. I heard from a lot of people that this was supposedly the hardest year ever. “We’ll see about that,” I said to myself “This will be my year in academics.” Little did I know that things were not really what they seemed.

As usual, I drifted through my 3rd year doing my homework in school and just studying at the 5minute bell. I was satisfied with what I was doing. I didn’t really see the essence of doing anything without cramming, it was just much too boring to do at home. I was going along this torrid pace until I was told by my classmates to join Days With The Lord. I heard about this “retreat” from my siblings and they told me that my life would not be complete without it. I signed-up for Batch 200 but I got in Batch 199 by accident. I just assumed I wouldn’t be accepted in Batch 199 since there were 45 people who signed up and they were going to shorten the list. I was just surprised when I saw a palanca envelope with my name on it. Big things do come in small packages.

I packed my bags excitedly on February 12, 2004 in preparation for it. I did not know what to expect, naturally. But after I stayed for 3 days and 2 nights in the Ateneo and fully experienced who God is and what He should be for us, I’m not ashamed to say I was changed by DWTL. In Days, God is given a whole new image. Jesus is the brother of all, “Kuya Jess” to Dazers. He is the one we must run to whenever we are burdened with problems, He should be as close to us as our friends because He will always be there to listen and to respond according to what is best for us. Days also made me realize how much a lot of people love me. From the heart-warming letters I saw the sincerity and real emotions of my friends and family who took time out to write me palancas. But I also learned that the challenge is to go out of Days and live the Days experience. It should be no problem if you’re a real Dazer, because “There is nothing in this world that you and Kuya Jess can’t handle together.”

After that experience came the shocking election of myself as Org Head. I didn’t have the experience or the knowledge on how to run an org, but still I went on anyway. Then, I was forced by the outgoing Socio-Spiritual Cluster Head to run for his vacant position. At first I didn’t want to, but my Days experience taught me to treat every event in my life as a gift, so I ran and got elected as the Socio-Spiritual Cluster Head. I attended a series of talks and leadership seminars informing us of our jobs and I realized what I got myself into. I was in charge of all 7 religious organizations and I got in one of the most dynamic sub-councils of the Sanggu-Hs. I had never experienced anything like that before. After a summer of working with my co-Cluster Heads in preparation for SY 2004-2005, I’m glad I was forced by the outgoing Socio-Spiritual Cluster Head to run. Call it a blessing in disguise, call it a wolf in sheep’s clothing, call it whatever you want. All I know is, through talking about the CSO’s (Council Of Student Organizations) aims and thrusts, through enjoying and working at the same time in our 3-day planning session in Antipolo, through typing up org write-ups, through beating deadlines, through contacting all the orgs under me, through making backdrops, I have come to realize one thing: This is what service is all about. We are here to serve people. They might not see and appreciate everything you’ve done for them, you might not even see the spotlight on you every so often, but at the end of the day, there is this funny feeling in yourself that makes it all worth it.I guess doing the right thing does that to you most of the time.

After all these, I’m now accidentally in love, in love with God and in love with the work that is before me for SY 2004-2005. I now have a reason to go to school, I now see why I have to go to Mass, everything seems much clearer now. I have reason to believe in a wise man called Father Arrupe who said, “Fall in love, stay in love, and it will decide what gets you out of the bed in the mornings, it will decide what gets you through the day, it will decide everything.” Fall in love, stay in love. It works.

FYI: This was my essay for the Ateneo College Entrance Test. :)