Turning back the clock.

I wrote this around 1 and a half years ago.

Who knows what true love is? I don’t think I’ll ever know what that really means. I don’t even know if anyone knows what it is. I believe all we can do is guess and take the risk. I believe some people say that they’re in love to reassure their consciences that they’re in the relationship for the right reasons. They get problems when they try to force themselves to be in love with the person they don’t really have feelings for. They are skeptical about telling the person how they really feel because they might hurt the person, not really conscious of the fact that if they prolong the relationship, they will just feel trapped and the person in the relationship who thinks that nothing is wrong will get shocked and hurt if the “I don’t love you” comes at a really unexpected time.

People are weird. We try to prolong the inevitable. We unconsciously become insensitive. We think that we are actually doing the person good because he/she will not get hurt but in reality, that person will appreciate the honesty more if it is told right away. People try to use the excuse “think before you act” to justify their waiting for the right time. But people tend to “overthink” if there is such a word. They get so many situations and played video files in their head before anything really happens. I have been the culprit of that. I thought too much and took 2 weeks just to tell a girl I didn’t feel the same anymore. And when she found out, she got really mad. That is the lesson learned: Don’t think too much. Let your instincts do the thinking. If you feel something, just lay it out. Who knows? Nothing is impossible. Why tell this girl how you really feel in a week instead of telling her now? Life is too short for people to wait. Though there are some things worth waiting for (like having a relationship), there are things better left said. With this, we can avoid regrets and looking back at the past and wondering what might have been.

It’s also really amazing how people have problems because they assume. People expect that this person will know what he/she is feeling and if that person does not do what he/she expects him to do, he/she’ll get mad. Sometimes, I find it weird that some people would want us to be mind readers. They want us to read their minds without telling us what’s wrong. They expect us to know everything about them but there are just sometimes that we have no clue and they get mad if we don’t know what’s going on. Sometimes it’s frustrating to keep on guessing and keep on wondering if what you did was a right move, or what you did was a wrong move but he/she just doesn’t want to tell you. And sometimes, the person does end up telling you and you’re left amazed because you don’t really understand why he/she kept it from you in the first place.

I believe communication is the problem of the world right now. No one seems to want to open up to anyone because he/she feels that if he/she does open up, he/she might expose himself/herself to a lot more pain, and nobody in the right mind would want that. Everyone seems to be in a nutshell, clamming up their insecurities and putting on masks to cover them up. I believe the people who appear strongest on the outside are really the weakest on the inside. These people play roles and portray them so well that they deserve awards for these kinds of performances. But their act only works on an audience. When no one is looking, they cry. And that's sad.

Tears are very very sacred to me. I believe that if you shed your tears, it should be something worth shedding the tears for. Crying is a way to expose one’s self and it’s a very brave move in showing your tears to someone. In that way, you’re giving that person a glimpse of who you really are. You’re showing a part of you that’s not available to anyone. You’re actually baring your soul with the simple act of crying. We cry coz of many things. We cry coz we’ve lost someone very dear to us, we cry because we’ve experienced love and it has escaped us, we cry because we are touched by a moment or an action of a person, we cry because of low grades, we cry coz we cannot keep our emotions inside anymore, we cry to break out.

There are times in life I want to cry but the tears just don’t come out. And it hurts my eyes coz the heart says it wants to cry but the brain does not allow it.

I release my emotion by sleeping and running and playing basketball. These 3 hobbies keep me alive. Sleeping makes me forget a lot of things and the next day, I feel better. Running makes me think about a lot of things. It makes me reflect on life and the things I do. It makes me think about God and His plan for me. Playing basketball makes me feel the adrenaline rush. Basketball gives me a rush when the ball swishes through the net. It gives me a feeling of being on top of the world. It’s as if for that second, you are not a person in this world full of hate and apathy. You are an alien, and you have no worries and no regrets. Just for that second, you feel as if your whole world is coming together and everything’s falling into place. I think this will end my piece on love. It comes in many many many different ways and signs, but in the end, the feeling is all that matters.