What the?

It's early in the morning and I have tons to do. I've been wracking my brain for around 15 minutes now trying to find something to say about my home. I don't really know what to say. I can't seem to write about this place I live in with the same passion and intensity as I could with basketball or my barkada and the like. And that is scary. These people I have here with me are really great, but I just can't put into words what I feel for them. I'm not numb. I'm not ungrateful for their presence, but I just feel distant from them. It's like I can't feel myself writing this essay at this moment. These are the times I wish I was someplace else.

I'd love to go away. I'd love to just pick up and leave the place I call home in hopes of finding someplace better. Or just out of plain curiousity, I'd jump in my car and travel to some desolate place and just sit there. I don't hate my home, don't get me wrong. But I just want to know if there's something out there better for me. I just can't explain why. Maybe it's because I'm the youngest and everyone's just sheltering me from everything. And I hate it.

I hate not being able to tell you anything. I hate that I'm always sneaking out coz I know you'll never approve. I hate that I want to tell you I love someone but I just can't phrase it is such a way that you won't freak out and get dissapointed at me. I hate you being so morally upright. And I don't like it when you criticize Filipinos in general when you're one yourself.

But I like talking to you. I like your perspectives, and I like your advice. But that's what's making this so damn hard. I want to tell you, but can't coz I know what you'll say. Every damn word. I really feel that these, coupled with your being high-strung, don't really fit in my description of a secret keeper.

I wish you'd change. I wish I'd change. I wish everything would just go back to the way they were before. Life was without complications, I didn't have to think about what time I should go home to avoid suspicion, I didn't have to make up fake excuses, I didn't have to do anything. I was happy (not that I'm not happy now), and I was content. I hate this.

What a life.

Maybe this is time for a momentuous life changing act. Well then, again, maybe not. See the difference between an optimist and a pessimist?